Personal Perfection

While some people slumber peacefully this eve of Christmas eve, and dream of sugarplum fairies dancing in their heads (although I guess that's tomorrow night), I sit awake in my personal perfection.
Alex watched her man as I went along with the midnight cleaning of my room, a surprise for my mother come morning. The end of the movie coincidentally coincided with the finishing touches of my tidying and it didn't take us long to decide what to do next.
Now, lying in bed, allowing for the pain in my back to finally subside, I take a breath. It will be okay. Everything will be okay. Lying in bed with Alex, like an old married couple, listening to her read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows out loud to me helps me remember my own advice. Everything in life is only 'For Now.' So even though my normal thrill for the Holiday season has been less than standard I am hopeful for years to come, even the next few days. I am actually looking forward to tomorrow and Christmas, partially because I want to get my Harry Potter computer game, but also because it will be messed up and torturous. That may sound bizarre coming from a girl who is wildly obsessed with Christmas, but surprisingly enough my actual Christmas days are just down right stressful. They would be great if it was possible for a person to be at two places at once, but since we have yet to come up with the technology of a time turner, and I being the child of divorce parents, have to choose between Mom and Dad. And after I finally make up my mind of where I am going I still have to deal with the crazy families from both sides. So back to the point. I am actually excited this year. Not sure why. Maybe it's because I have accepted the fact that Christmas is crazy, and have learned to embrace it instead of fear for chaos. Either way. For the first time in awhile I pumped for Christmas.


P.S. I've realized that this blog reveals my true obsession for Harry Potter. So if you were wondering... Yes, Alex and I read out loud to each other, give it a try sometime. It's really fun.

Freud must have been on to something.

While most people sleep deep and hard each evening in the peaceful bliss of their own mind, there are others, like myself, that cannot grasp the serendipity of dreams. Sleep has become so complicated over the years, and I would like it to just be sleep instead of a frustrating outlet of emotion and stress.
There are the rough nights where sleep seems to never come, and I lay in bed tossing and turning while I wait for my brain to stop running. I appear to have some kind of inability that prohibits me from locating the switch that turns off my mind. And even though those nights have become less frequent, they still visit me from time to time.
Now that I am able to actually fall into some decent rem, I am still tortured by the elaborate dreams I seem to create. Either I wake up completely freaked out because the entire world just melted or I have to swim across some random ice forsaken ocean, or I wake up completely upset because I realize that it all was all a dream.
The dreams that are most haunting are the ones you know will never come true.
If you asked me I would say that Freud was on to something. He believed that dreams were a gateway to the subconscious. Well if that's true, it is very clear what my subconscious wants, or I guess what I want.
Every morning I am struck down by reality and heartache, and I guess that these dreams will not go away until something is done.
So I guess I have to do something about it... but what?

Floopy

For the past week or so I have sat down with my computer every night and tried to write a blog, but when I actually try to focus my thoughts into words everything comes out empty. Never have I ever been so frazzled in my life. Never have I ever had a lack of words, or even yet communication. Never have I ever been so frustrated by life. So tonight I am determined to get a blog out for my readers to enjoy, or at least tolerate.

Let me just start by telling you how amazing my evening was. With so much going on I haven't fully been able to enjoy much of anything lately. My normal obsession for the Holiday Season is normally beaming this time of year, but this year my spirit is no more greater than the man sitting in the big chair on the top floor of a company just trying to make sales. And even though I wasn't really put in the Christmas spirit tonight, I was at least having a great time. Tonight was basically a reunion of one of my better nights at OU. I was with my friends, Sean, Hayley, and Ben and we just went to a coffee shop and talked until they closed, and afterwards we came back to my house and watched 500 Days of Summer (really good movie btw). Nothing extraordinary happened and nothing outstanding occurred, but I can't help but love the dynamics the 4 of us share. The others might not appreciate our time together the way I do, but I know I value just sitting and talking with them and hearing what they have to say. Tonight was just so amazingly fun and I love everyone of them so much!

I could complain and be winy about the never ending chaos here, but I think I am going to leave at that. Why ruin a good blog with a bad rant about the current shit in my life. I may be one hundred percent frazzled right now with literally every aspect of my life, but that's not what you need to know. Right?

I will tell you this. Plain and simply.
A. Damn, it feels so good to be home.
B. My life is a mess
C. My plan to live with my dear Alex next year is my saving grace.

The What If's

When friends come to me with worry, stress and little hope for the near future, my first advice for them is to listen to the song "For Now" from one of my favorite Broadway shows Avenue Q. It reminds us that even though times are tough they certainly can't last forever and that everything in life is only for now. So when my own personal life becomes overwhelmingly complicated and hard to handle I try to take my usual advice and look to the future, but this time the future seems so far away. What was once stable and clear is now as fuzzy and unfocused as a pair of broken binoculars that inhibit me to see the sanity. I can't help but dwell on all the 'what ifs' that brought me to this point of despair, and even more what I can do to make things right.
It's like all the 'what ifs' are yelling at me and now I need to know 'what if...?'
What if HE never came into my life?
What if I never let him go?
What if that hug never broke?
What if I opened the car door and ran after him?
What if I didn't move on?
Who would be there?
What if I he didn't influence me to visit OU?
What if I went to school with my best friend from the get go?
What if I had saved more money?
What if I knew what I was doing?
Where would I be?

So instead of dwelling on the 'what ifs' I am going to move onto the 'what nows?'
Now I need to... well... do a lot of things.
So for starters I will try to find some focus.
Step 1. Figure out college and transferring.
Step 2. Resolve love life
Step 3. Lots and lots of candle lit bubble baths.

Wish me luck everyone!
Hopefully soon I will be on the right track for transfer, stable in or out of a relationship, and thin. Simple. Right?

Sinfully Delicious

Today was my first day of work at a new job. I'm working 3rd shift at a factory that makes little metal pieces. This is my attempt to make a little money over winter break. This job is the most tedious task to ever be assigned to anyone ever. I sit at an awkwardly tall table and test the size of little pieces of metal by putting it in a gage and then separating out the ones that are too big. After 8 hours I managed to test over 4000 of these little stupid sharp metal pieces. But while I was callusing my fingers, I enjoyed my very extensive Christmas music library on my Ipod. I couldn't help but feel like an elf while listening to the music and tinkering around at a work bench. That feeling was short lived and died about 4 minutes later. Even though I didn't feel like an elf anymore the cold factory had me craving a Dunkin Donuts hot chocolate. Finally my shift was over and I was able to leave. I walked out the door and found instant joy. SNOW! How appropriate. Now the hot chocolate was calling my name. There is a Dunkin Donuts on my way home and as I pulled into the driveway I was thinking about how sinfully delicious all their treats are. That got me thinking...
Sinfully delicious. The foods that make your ass grow and the foods that you know are bad for you are considered sinfully delicious. They contain sugar, fat, and for me chocolate, all the good stuff, right? What I wonder is, do we love the actual taste and sensation of sinful snacks, or do we love the taste and sensation of the idea that they are sinful. Doesn't everybody love what they can't have? Guys become instantly more attractive to girls as soon as they become unavailable. It's either that it took another girl to open up our eyes to to see he is actually a great guy, or it is because we know we can't have him. If the sweets we crave and fall into temptation over were actually healthy for us, would we love them just the same? What if it was vegetables that clogged our arteries and made us look like a lump of lard? would those be sinfully delicious? Would we crave vegetables over the sugary sweets?

Okay, well even if my hypothesis isn't true, I still love my chocolate.

Thanksgiving Day Lessons

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, my favorite day of the year, and what better way to celebrate than consuming large amounts of food, laughing with your crazy family, and enjoying the sheer fact that you have no obligation to get any of them presents. Every year I fight for Thanksgiving to be the same. I pull a Chandler Bing and wake up at 9 to watch the parade, then make the sweet potato casserole while my mom and grandma bicker about which way the silverware goes into the dishwasher. After everyone showers and we watch the Pembroke Welsh Corgi in the dog show we leave to go my cousin Connie's house. It's there where we're joined by 45+ of our closest family members, and stand around enjoying hor d'oeuvres until a crowd develops in the kitchen. Dinner is always delicious and considerably peaceful. But thanks to this years additional (accidental) festivities, I have learned a few lessons about Thanksgiving or really any old dinner party.

Lesson 1. The bathroom door has a lock for a reason, take advantage of it, especially when little boys are running around the house.

Lesson 2. Wrapping paper does NOT put out fires, contrary to what people believe.

Lesson 3. Finding Nemo on HD looks really weird.

Lesson 4. Don't let an 80 lbs. dog go underneath a cramped table. It will probably result in somebody wearing their dinner.

Lesson 5. Toddlers can be entertained by anything!

Lesson 6. To avoid awkward situations, establish a DD ahead of time.

If you follow these suggestions you'll have a safe and entertaining thanksgiving, but it still won't be as funny as mine was.

Super Heros

Tonight I sit here on my friend's carpeted floor doing what I do best, surf the internet instead of studying for my final tomorrow. Maybe if I hadn't been distracted by Miley's birthday cake I would actually be getting work done. And yes, that would be Miley Cyrus. Today is her 17th birthday and if it wasn't for my friend Hayley I wouldn't have this ridiculously expensive cake. Normally I wouldn't even fathom buying a cake for someone I have little respect for, but when you have $24 to spend at the market, and you're leaving the next day, any reason to buy a $15 cake seems automatically worth it. So maybe instead of it being a cake to celebrate the day Destiny Hope Cyrus was born, it can be to celebrate the fact that tomorrow I am going home! That is correct my friends, tomorrow after my final exam at 10:10 I will be stuffing my mom's car, yet again, to travel back to Hudson.

Okay, that's all besides point.
So while I sit here, not studying, I enjoy the hilarity comedy styles of the amazing Ellen DeGeneres. Listening to her I can't help but think how much Ellen makes the world such a happier place. She brings such joy to the world with her stand up bits and her daily talk show. But not only does she have an incredible talent to make people laugh, but her general kindness and open minded spirit is plain and simply just another great person to help influence others to be just as open and kind. She inspires people to better themselves and in term better the world.


So that got me thinking about all the great people in the world. Sure there are the people who first come to mind when you think about greatness. People like Martin Luther King Junior, Mother Teresa, Mahatma Gandhi, Abraham Lincoln, Alexander Graham Bell, Albert Einstein, and Jonas Salk, all of which have had some of the most positive affects on history. But what about the other kings of greatness? The ones that didn't necessarily fight for peace, or discover a scientific breakthrough, but the ones who are great purely for their existence.

So here is my tribute to all the people who I think are great:

Starting with Ellen DeGeneres. She creates laughter. Have you ever looked back to your childhood and thought about how much you used to laugh? Everything was funny, the bugs on the ground, your aunt's mystery hair color, a chalk outline of your best friend, or the way spaghetti sounded when you slurped in an individual strand of pasta. But now you have other things to worry about like losing your job, infectious diseases, pointless wars, relationships failing, finances falling and any other mental problems each one of us possesses. Yet somehow, through all of the hardship, listening to Ellen's stand up or TV shows allows us to step back from the struggle and laugh again. But she does so much more than make hopefuls laugh. She is a leader of example just by being so loving towards everyone. Her open mindedness is nothing less than inspirational and contagious. The world be a much better place if more people could be like Ellen DeGeneres.

Matthew Shepard. For those of you who don't know Matthew's tragic story, it had one of the largest affects on hate crime awareness to date. In 1998 the 21 year old ,University of Wyoming student, was horrifically murdered by two other boys. They lead him to a remote rural area and tied him to a fence post after brutally beating him. They left him there to die and 18 hours later he was discovered in a coma. His body was taken to the hospital but he only survived a few more days. Matthew Shepard died because two ignorant, hateful, bigoted boys didn't like the fact that he was gay. The hate crime toward Matthew, that occurred on October 7th, 1998, spawned an outburst from all gay rights activist. It was shortly later that the Matthew Shepard foundation was formed and shortly after that the Matthew Shepard Act was created. Both fight for the termination of hate crime. His death was not one of few, hate crime happens more than most people think but now people know, know to fight. Though we lost a great person that night, we gained so much awareness. The Matthew Shepard Act and Foundation are constantly working to stop hate crimes and open the minds of the hateful. Matthew Shepard will not have died in vain.

Greatness is so much more than bettering man kind, or making people laugh. It can simply be from creating happiness. I would consider Walt Disney to be one of the greatest men to ever walk this earth. What kind of childhood would a person have if it wasn't filled with the magic of Disney? Disney inspires children to reach for their dreams, have an imagination, and believe that anything is possible. Just think about every movie, every song, every vacation, everything you have ever experienced that was created by Disney. So many of my favorite memories were formed from the magic of Disney. In fact my very first memory happened at Disneyland when I was only a year and half old. My family and I were sitting in a green boat in a green tunnel on the ride It's a Small World After All. I vaguely remember the puppets, but the repetitive song will stay with me forever. It's was movies like Beauty and the Beast, Pochantas, Lion King, and The Jungle Book that first got me hooked on the big castle. Walt Disney, without a doubt, inspired more happiness, creativity, and hope than anyone else. He is a true hero to every child, teenager and adult.

Joanne Kathleen Rowling is by far my most favorite author! I don't even know where to begin talking about Harry Potter. Her books haven't just touched me but the entire planet. The magical world she wrote up, with an extraordinary boy as the hero, has turned into the biggest phenomenon to hit the literary world. Not only did Harry Potter get kids reading, but it got kids to love reading (something television has been trying to do for years). The magical world gave an escape to any child going through hardship, but you certainly don't need to struggle to enjoy it. Harry Potter is one of the few series that is appreciated by all ages, genders and lifestyles. Harry Potter changed my life and I have to thank my grandparents for giving me and my brother the first book. My parents got divorced right about the time The Philosopher's Stone came out. My mom went out and bought a king sized bed for herself, and every night me and my brother would climb in it so she could read a chapter each night to us. Our nightly ritual brought us 3 together and helped me get over my parents separation. We enjoyed my mother's interpretations of Rowling's made up magical words for the first 3 of the seven books. Afterwards we joined the HP madness in anticipation for each of the last 4 releases. Now that the final epilogue has been read, we look forward to the midnight premiers of each movie. There is something so great about knowing that you are not the only person who is so wildly obsessed with a fictional character enough that you would paint a scar on your forehead and go to movie that begins at midnight. And even though there only remains one more book to be brought to the big screen, we have double the merriment of it being split into two fantastic suspenseful movies. J.K. Rowling is possibly the greatest person in my life. And even though I don't know her (that would be awesome) I feel like I do. She is the reason I have friends. I know that sounds completely utterly ridiculous, but when I read and reread her books I feel like I'm spending time with friends instead of actually reading. It may seem silly to call these characters my close personal friends, but they have been with me through the good times and bad. I know their personalities, histories, likes and dislikes. Each one of them is more than just a character in a book, but a friend to all. Okay... so besides sounding like a huge Harry Potter dork I do have a point to make. Most everyone has a story about the way HP changed their life for the better. Rowling created this fictional world that has made the real world go crazy... in a good way. She is the ultimate greatness for magically coming up with Harry Potter, the boy who not only saved the Wizarding World, but shed some light and happiness to the real world.

This may not be my greatest writing or witticism, but I felt a need to give credit to the people I find truly Great. These 4 people have provided me with so much strength, laughter and happiness that I needed to say something. They are 4 great spirits who should be treated as such. There are many many more people who are just as great; who do you think are some of the other non-typical great powers in our world?