Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Random Conglomerate of Thoughts

While I lay here phone-less, completely vulnerable to my own emotions without any added support from Alex, I only fear myself. My life has it's remaining bits of euphoria, set upon remember the past, but otherwise I am beginning to act like a regular human being again... somewhat.

Life is changing for the better. This I know, but why does it feel so weird? Well I can tell you why. It is because I don't handle that whole change thing very well. Sure it may be very good change or happy change, but in general, whether change is good or bad, I struggle to maintain the sense of control and start into the mode of anxiety.

Now I'm not feeling anxious because I am getting healthy and rebuilding my self confidence/self esteem/healthy mindset, that part is all too amazing to worry about. I am feeling anxious about everything else in life. Everything is changing. Not necessarily now, but eventually. It's like I am beginning to leave everything behind.
I had to let go of my child years and begin my life as a teenager, and now, 7 years later, I embark into adulthood. There soon, in a short 2 months, will cease to be a teen at the end of my age. That is slightly unfathomable. 20. That number starts with a 2@! (I tried to capitalize 2 and then remembered that that would be an at @ sign). Not to put getting older in the corner, but I also have to face the facts of life, and not just a group of young women who wear red uniforms. I have to face that whole being an adult thing and being on my own and taking control of my life shit.
I guess it is all very excited. I get to be an individual, build credit, decorate my apartment, and grow up. Strange. Oh life.
So without also trying to shove the fact that I will soon have to face the responsibilities of real life I am also in a very strange place when it comes to dating. I am single. A change from the past almost 2 years. Although it is nice, it is going to take some major adjustments. Life. Too weird.

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