Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Random Conglomerate of Thoughts

While I lay here phone-less, completely vulnerable to my own emotions without any added support from Alex, I only fear myself. My life has it's remaining bits of euphoria, set upon remember the past, but otherwise I am beginning to act like a regular human being again... somewhat.

Life is changing for the better. This I know, but why does it feel so weird? Well I can tell you why. It is because I don't handle that whole change thing very well. Sure it may be very good change or happy change, but in general, whether change is good or bad, I struggle to maintain the sense of control and start into the mode of anxiety.

Now I'm not feeling anxious because I am getting healthy and rebuilding my self confidence/self esteem/healthy mindset, that part is all too amazing to worry about. I am feeling anxious about everything else in life. Everything is changing. Not necessarily now, but eventually. It's like I am beginning to leave everything behind.
I had to let go of my child years and begin my life as a teenager, and now, 7 years later, I embark into adulthood. There soon, in a short 2 months, will cease to be a teen at the end of my age. That is slightly unfathomable. 20. That number starts with a 2@! (I tried to capitalize 2 and then remembered that that would be an at @ sign). Not to put getting older in the corner, but I also have to face the facts of life, and not just a group of young women who wear red uniforms. I have to face that whole being an adult thing and being on my own and taking control of my life shit.
I guess it is all very excited. I get to be an individual, build credit, decorate my apartment, and grow up. Strange. Oh life.
So without also trying to shove the fact that I will soon have to face the responsibilities of real life I am also in a very strange place when it comes to dating. I am single. A change from the past almost 2 years. Although it is nice, it is going to take some major adjustments. Life. Too weird.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

My Wish

Wishes, I never really believed in them yet I still took every oppurtunity I was presented with to wish and hope for something better. Every candle I blew out on birthdays, every shooting star that crossed the nights sky, every time I managed to hold my breath through a long tunnel, every time I saw a lone star and every time the clock read 11:11 I was wishing for one thing. My wish was always the same. I didn't wish for a prince charming, or a bounteous fortune, I wished for happiness. Whatever I thought would make me happy I wished for. I spent my younger years wishing for thinness, believe that that would make me happy. But it failed. Once I was thin I was miserable. After I broke into craziness I wished for sanity, but sanity just lead to less sanity and unfortunate weight gain. By then I was through, done with wishing. I had little hope that anything but myself could turn my life around. I worked my ass off to create a better version of myself, but that failed just as hard as anything else I tried. When nothing was working I tried once more to wish. Not for thinness, not for sanity, not for beauty, but for life. I wished for the ability to live the life that I want to live. I sought out medical help and discovered that my early heavier weight wasn't my fault, my anorexia (well that was my fault), but the weight gain after that was completely out of my control. I was given a diagnosis and a prescription.

My wish came true with the help of an amazing team of doctors and some magic medication, and now I LOVE my life.

Today I went to refill my pills for the first time and the total came to $11:11.
Something tells me now that the dreams that you wish will come true.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Momentary lapse

Before you worry about me, I'm fine. I am not angry at the world, and am still on cloud nine when it comes to nearly every aspect of my life. But for some reason I am experiencing a new emotion, bitterness. Now, I have been jealous before, and I have been angry before but this odd sensation isn't either. The only way to describe it is bitter, and my rational self knows that it's not even worthy of getting upset about. So with that said I am not even going to tell you why I'm bitter. Just that I am.

Anyway, I have also made another decision that will hopefully improve my literary career. Not only will it help me establish myself as a writer but it will end a personal vendetta I have against... well, myself.

Well that's really all I have to say for myself. Life is going great, minus the fact that I only have about $18 in my bank account, but otherwise amazing.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Sexy Drink

This morning, after walking all the way across campus just to discover that my class was canceled, I decided to venture to the school's coffee shop instead of walking down the hill and then back up an hour later. I ordered my favorite drink, large passion unsweetened ice tea with the tea bag left in. I sat there drinking my rose colored drink, and reading Ruby Fruit Jungle by Rita May Brown. As I progress through this book I'm discovering that it becomes more and more sexual as the page numbers go up. While reading this very provocative scene I became very aware that I was drinking a sexy drink. Suddenly I felt like I was exposing my erotic literature to the entire coffee shop all by sipping on my red/pink drink. Clearly that wasn't the case, and I was only about 3 pages into the next chapter when a girl who I used to be very close with in high school came over and we caught up while waiting for our 10 o'clock class to come around.

That's all for right now. When I first started writing this I had the 'Drink' in the title be plural and I was going to give reasons as to what other drinks I find sexy and why, but I am going to let you toy with that idea and maybe one day I'll actually write the rest, with the 's'.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Dreams (both goals and nightly images)

I could be writing an outline, or working on my story, but instead I feel the need to click on the little orange icon and write a blog.
There really is no point to this other to say that my life is awesome.
Since my diagnosis I feel like I've experienced every hardship that a girl with body image issues could possibly go through. Now that's it's come full circle and I find myself happy and feeling AMAZING about myself, I wish to help others who are finding themselves in a difficult position with body image, eating disorders or have a poor relationships with food. Maybe I'll write a book about it in hopes that it can help people with similar problem.

Did you ever have an imaginary friend? I know that my mind as a child was to preoccupied with Barbi or American Girl Dolls to create such a figure, but I think that they can be just the thing a kid needs some times. Last night I had this dream, I won't disclose what that dream was about, but it left me smiling in the morning. It wasn't necessarily a happy dream, and it certainly wasn't something I usually fantasise in my day-to-day day dreams, but this dream sparked almost an imaginary friend in me. This sounds crazy, I know, a twenty year old with an imaginary friend? Insane and rightfully so. But this character isn't really even a person, and I'm not pretending that he is currently sitting at my desk while I type this from my bed. No, I would say that my pretend companion is an idea, or intimate spark. This idea floats around my head all day; it's more of a comforting thought, that is far from reality, but still nice to think about.
Okay, label me insane if you want to. It doesn't matter, because I am the only one who can understand the compassion I feel towards something so simple as a thought.

*Why do the dreams that haunt me fill my hear with so much joy? Guilty I be not of unloyalty in reality, but hidden in the secrets of my mind.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Sunshine! Rainbows! Puppies!

It's been a long time since I've last posted anything, but lets get serious, no one actually reads this. I believe the only 3 people who do are Hayley, PJ and Sean. So Hello friends. Maybe someday people will read this.... BECAUSE I WILL BE FAMOUS!

If you scroll down you will find a whole bunch of angsty blogs about me whining about my personal life and problems, but that Heather is gone. Lets welcome in a new start and a new Heather. Hello Happy Heather!

Exciting, right?

A month ago Friday I received the most significant, life changing news in my entire life (second to my parents telling me of their divorce), and I, because of this diagnosis, have declared myself no longer crazy. I may be crazy in the, as Hayley says "what the Heather?" sort of way, but I am now free from the relentless, obsessive, controlling, spinning cycle of doom which was my mind.

I wish I could express to you just how huge this is! Just how happy I am! Here, I'll try to do my best. Have you ever been really worried for a test or an exam? You have prepared for it as much as you possibly could but still just thinking about it makes you want to puke. Okay, now picture that feeling, is it in your head? Now try to imagine feeling that way for 2 and a half years. It sucked, everything about it. I hated life and I hated my life, but now I feel so rejuvenated. No longer do I have that fear or nervousness, no longer do I plan and I plan and I plan, no longer do I want to escape my own life. Why would I now, I LOVE my life.

A month ago I hated college and was ready to head back home just to get my degree as quick and painless as possible, but now I am ready to live the college experience. To do wild things and have fun, just like everyone else. It's so great. Life is so great. I am so great!

The coolest part about being released from the torture of my own insanity is now I have more room and time for other thoughts. I'm discovering interests and creativity. I am becoming who I am truly meant to be. Ah this is sooooo cool!

Heather, I have found you, and I will not lose you again.

About that whole being famous exclamation. I can explain. See I want to be a writer. No, I am GOING to be a writer. This idea for a story popped into my head one day and ever since it has taken off. I am in love with it.

Well this is the new me and I am very excited about it. I am excited for the future.
I realize that this message is rather redundant in wording, but I'm just trying to get the point across. I AM HAPPY!!!

Friday, April 9, 2010

Shocking Realizations/ verbal thinking

The title of this is stolen from my friend Sean's blog, who is one of the three people who read this. Anyway, normally I would title it after it's been written, and I could use the material to draw up a clever name, but today I've had a shocking realization, hence the title.

My lameness leaves me alone this Friday night, and instead of trying to make plans or going out to do something "college", I sit at home skypeing with the long distance boyfriend and surfing the Internet. My news feeds home page on facebook leads me to an old friend of mine who I haven't talked to in about 5 or so years. We were good childhood friends before she moved to Chicago, and I always thought of her as a creative, artsy person. I clicked on her name and started looking around her profile. She's doing the typical college thing, going to parties, playing beer pong, being an art major etc etc... but then I got to her information page. Under interest she talks about music and how much she loves to follow it by going to live concerts and keeping up on her local music scene.

That's when it hit me. What am I interested in? Have I been so preoccupied with my own personal problems that I couldn't step out of it for a moment to develop real interest? If you're reading this, and you know me really well, you probably have a question mark spewed across your forehead, but let me explain.

Yes, I have a high interest in literature, but is it fair to call reading and writing a real interest of mine if it's primary use is to take me to a world not my own, and let me escape my own pain if only for awhile? Who's to say? I also really enjoy writing; I love tapping into that creative outlet to let go of anything and everything that's bothering me, but is that a real interest?

Now I'm starting to think even more. Maybe now that this chronic pain is gone I can turn my therapeutic placebo interests into full blown, gone with the wind, rip at your heart, kind of insane passions? But at the same time, I'm also beginning to wonder if my creativity was sparked only from the pain, not from myself. What if I read so much just because I didn't want to deal with the relentless thoughts that circled my head like a centaur that has been nailed to a merry-go -round to serve as a seat for booger-covered children, and has developed an extreme migraine from the high pitched music that will never end and the constant spinning of the world that never seems to settle? Once again, who's to say?

I certainly hope that with my diagnosis, and therefore an end to a lot of significant torture and spinning, my love for reading and writing will blossom. Maybe now I can finally take off, and soar free among my bird of hope (who by the way is doing well keeping her eggs warm). Now that my head is finally cleared of any ridiculous metaphor that I could come up for obsession, I can make room for what I will only dream as my own true passions... interests.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

It's from the year I was born

I know my writings are all very up in the air, but I'm still working on grounding myself. So here's another one of my half hearted conclusions that takes me one step closer to finding myself:

I'm not going to get into my religious views, because quite frankly I'm not sure what they are, but I had an experience that could only be described as a miracle. It was sometime over winter break and I had just returned grocery shopping. While I stood at my counter attempting to pick up as much yogurt in my arms as possible I heard a noise coming from the open refrigerator. The random 'clink' startled me and caused me to drop all the yogurt. I walked to the fridge and on the shelf was sitting a lone penny. My awestruck self didn't know what to do. I just stood there, staring at this penny, inventing ideas of how it scientifically could have come to be dropped on my shelf, but there were none. How on earth did this penny fall on to my fridge? As I continued to stare at this penny, reading and rereading 'In God We Trust', a line from one of my favorite musicals popped into my mind "hey look, a penny! From the year I was born. It's a siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggn." Could it be? Could it be a penny from the year I was born? I leaned in slowly to pick up the tarnished penny and covered by a little speck of blue was the date 1990. I know, crazy right. I'll never know how the penny actually came to be in my fridge, or if the fact that it was made the year I was born is just a coincidence, but for now I can only assume that this is the sign I have been looking for for quite some time.

Bird's Nest

None of you probably care, and this is rather irrelevant to anything going on in my life, but today while working out something magnificent happened. I've been working out daily for the past few months now, each day on the same machine. I get to look out a window that overlooks a pretty golf course and some lovely hills, and on one of the pillars of the building is this bird's nest. Now, for the past few months the nest has been empty. It lasted through wind, snow and rain and remained wholesomely in tact throughout all of it. Today was exciting because, while I was still happy to see that the nest was still there holding up against the elements, the bird was back!
So why do you care? You probably don't. I'm not even sure why I care. I guess after all I have been through, especially since starting this new year, the bird is like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. If the bird can go through the entire winter, doing everything it has to do to survive, and still make it out safely, then why can't I? I guess the bird gave me a new sense of hope, a feeling that I could finish this fight once and for all and then make it back to my nest of solitude.
Who thought that a simple bird could do so much?

Saturday, March 27, 2010

One Massive Headache

If you haven't noticed it's been about 2 weeks since my last blog entry, and before that another 2 weeks. Where have I gone? No where. Matter -o- factly my post box is filled with little orange drafts that are incomplete and now irrelevant. I wrote them with then intent of finishing, but I either ran out of time or couldn't organize my thoughts well enough. So to enlighten my readers I shall share with you the random blurbs and ideas that have crossed my mind in the past few weeks.

1. Everyone is moving on with their lives.
Since the New Year I have heard that someone is either getting married or having a baby every single week. Now, to my friends which see me on a regular basis and already know this, skip ahead to the next paragraph, but to everyone else... O MY JEEZ. The list of people I know who will be having a non-hygienic shower soon would not fit on an entire roll of toilet paper. Let the hyperbole help you understand how much disbelief I lay in. It's crazy to think that friends of mine are ready/old enough to get married or even procreate.

2. Technology is taking over the world.
I still have a hard time expressing my opinion of this particular idea, because the thoughts just run amok in my mind. So I will give it my best shot. Technology has exponentially incorporated its way into the lives of humans to the point where we can't picture a world without it. Think back about a hundred years ago. They had no cell phones, no computers and no ipods, they were just excited about the car being invented. Now think to your life. Is your self phone in arms reach? I would be lying if I said that mine wasn't, in fact it's sitting on my lap. But when does technology go from a reasonable request to an absurd obsession?
More and more we find parents using every mean necessary to protect their kids from.... what? What is out there that is so bad that we need to give a 4 year old a mobile phone? Don't you think that the basic Safety Town fundamentals can keep your overprotected child safe for the minuscule amount of time that you don't have an eye on them? They don't even know how to spell phone, why should they have one? Just remind them every so often to look both ways before crossing the street, don't open the door for strangers and never take candy from odd pantless men in trench coats.
The only part of technology that I find to be a positive advancement is in the medical field. Every day millions of people are saved because of our new medicines and treatments. Other than that it is just down right unnecessary. Why do we need all of these fancy phones that have 'apps' for pointless shit? I've found that people are more connected with a little black piece of metal and plastic than they are with their friends and family. People can't go out for an hour without having their phone with them. It's pretty sad actually. Bringing a phone to a social event is just asking to be interrupted. (I'm beginning to get frustrated just writing this) I wish I could express to you my true feelings on this subject, because I really hate how technology has made the world so anti-social. If you feel otherwise prepare your side of the debate and come on over, I'll 'pwn' your ass.
For my rage sake I am going to stop there. Moving on.

3. My selfishness
When I started this year I decided to be selfish. I know it's a weird thing to aspire to, but I realized that I need to fix my own problems before taking on any more challenges. As most of you know my number one problem over the past few years has been my weight, and I have been working my ass off to make it go away. After no results I ventured into the dreaded doctors office and had some blood work done. Dah du du DAHHH! It can all be explained with a 4 letter condition, actually it's a 25 letter condition, but never the less it is very exciting. I can be fixed and hopefully this life time struggle can come to an end. Hopefully with this my number one problem will be eliminated followed by an elimination of most of my other problems.

That has pretty much been my life for the past few weeks. It's been pretty hectic and chaotic but overall good. Much to my chagrin I have to leave for school tomorrow, and it's a sad day knowing my 2 week spring break has to come to an end.

As one of my old childhood friends used to say "ta ta for now"

Sunday, March 14, 2010

*Insert cheesy Britney Spears lyrics here*

In about 6 months I will be twenty years old. I will no longer be teenager, and I will have to come to terms with the fact that I am an adult.

Over the past few months I have been bombarded by friends and family members dealing with real adult situations. It seems like every week another person tells me they are either getting married, having a baby, or dying. What is this? What happened to the days where the only care I had in the world was whether or not I would get my Barbi doll back from the girls who lived down the street? (I never did by they way) I guess I have come to a time in my life where people are going to get married and have babies. My generation is getting older and moving on with their lives.

Today I heard some rather sad news that has me worried about much more than my 8 o'clock final tomorrow morning. I feel like I've been submerged into a pool of chaos and I won't be able to resurface until this test is taken and I know my friend will be okay. For the past few hours I have been trying to study, but have found myself unsuccessful due to the lack of attention I can give to my book. My thoughts are all over the place and it took a severe complication in a friends pregnancy for me to come to this conclusion:

People are constantly complaining. Complaining about the weather, their jobs, their classes, their families, their situations, their houses, their expenses, their day to day tasks, basically anything that has a name can be the source of a complaint. But why do we complain? Do you really think that bitching about a situation can make it better? No, only action can improve your circumstance. So what is the point? I believe that people complain purely for sympathy. That they desire attention to make themselves feel better. But is their life really so bad? Most likely not.
So I challenge you; next time you feel like bitching about the rain or having to get up early, think about all the people who really do have something to complain about, the sick, the lonely, the homeless, and remember how great your life is.

Right now I sit in the lobby of my residence hall worried sick about my friend and her unborn child. Now, she has something to complain about.

It's times like these that life really comes into perspective.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

My Whys

Why isn't this working?
Why can't I get anywhere?
Why am I at square one again?
Why did this have to happen to me?

Once I was repulsed.
Once I was fed up with it.
Once I decided to make a change.
Once I became just another statistic.

Sick of myself.
Sick of who I was.
Sick of always trying.
Sick of calorie counting.

Now Why am I so tired?
Now where is that Once self?
Now I'm still just as Sick.
But I'm trying my damnedest to overcome.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Ideas and Alice

Yesterday was... interesting. Fun... but very interesting.
I woke up at the forgotten hour of 7:23 to shower, get dressed and make it to the library with enough time to complete my poetry assignment which was due at 9. While the assignment was easy and pointless and I will easily get full credit on it just for the completion of it, it was poetic and got me thinking in metered rhyme scheme at 8 in the morning. Once I finished the one paragraph paper I managed to pass up the muffin at the Cafe Bibliotecha and head to my classroom early to get some alone time to do some writing in my journal (yes, I have a journal and not a diary; diaries are cute, colorful and hardback, not a 5 subject notebook that you got at the market for a $1.79.) So in the 7 minutes that I had to myself before my fellow students began to file into the room I was hit with an idea, an idea like nothing else I have ever had. It hit me all at once, like when you're driving and are blasted with a raunchy skunk odor. I had this idea for a book, and it was all there in my mind. I needed not to come up with the plot or characters or rising action because it was all there, just sitting in my mind waiting to be written.
Now I'm generally constantly thinking of ideas for a book, but never one with so much clarity. This one actually sounds good.
After my epiphany I sat in my poetry class and got weird looks from my professor as I scribbled down the basic points to my book in my journal. To be completely honest I wasn't paying any attention to the class and felt pretty bad when I didn't realize it was my turn to read something. That's besides the point though. I got it down and have begun to actually write since then.
After my poetry and psychology class I headed back to the dorm to discover I had the room to myself for the next 3 hours. What is this? Time to myself? This never happens!!! It was so nice. I could have easily used that time to go be productive at the gym or do some homework that's due next week, but I decided to take that time and use it to watch my favorite show, Friends.
What fun it was.
So now, off to see my second most anticipated movie of the year, next to HP7, Alice In Wonderland. This is what I have been preparing for for the past 2 years ever since they released the news about the movie. See, I have a different sort of relationship with Alice In Wonderland.
It all started when I was 4 and my mom put Disney's Alice In Wonderland on for me. I was enjoying the movie by myself until Alice started falling down the hole. That part was too scary for me, with the random objects and the sense of nothingness, so I had to turn it off. That was the extent of my Alice viewing growing up.
Once the news that Tim Burton was creating the classic book into a movie I knew I couldn't pass it up, but I wanted to be prepared and do my research. I started with the book, always the best source of information, and I was honestly disappointed with Lewis Carol's story. Don't hate me, but I found it to be highly overrated. Being a literature lover this did nothing for me. Maybe if it had a plot I would like it. After I read Alice's Adventures into Wonderland I took to reading Through the Looking Glass. Still a little disappointing, yet fairly more enjoyable. Now time for the Disney version. I watched it with my favorite cousin and found myself to be even more disappointed than ever before. Of course Disney would change everything from book to movie, it's what they do best. Now this was just frustrating to watch, not only was it not good, it was wrong, all wrong. Fwarted again.
My overall conclusion of all Alice in Wonderland media was poor, but since my 3 most favorite actors ever were going to be in this movie I had high hopes. I knew if anyone could make Alice good it would be Tim Burton with the help of Helena Bonham Carter, Johnny Depp and Alan Rickman.
Midnight was finally here, we put on our 3D glasses and sat in a crowded theater anxiously waiting for the movie to start.
It went as fast as it came. The movie was over, and I was amazed, in love.
So thank you Tim Burton, you did it. You finally made Alice in Wonderland enjoyable. The fact that you added a plot probably helped you out the most, but I loved it.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


It's finally hit me that I am no longer a child. People will no longer accept my ignorance. I will always have to work and provide for myself. It's no longer acceptable to walk around naked. I can't ask my parents to cut my food. Hop-scotch, po-go sticking, and jump roping will always hurt without additional support. Grandparents will not give me a present every time they come to visit. My mom will not tuck me in at night and read me bed time stories. I will never appreciate children's books, movies and shows again. Sitting in the grass will not be a regular occurrence. And holding hands will never have just the simplistic meaning of crossing the street.

It's weird to believe that I am now an adult. I miss the worry-free days of childhood.
I want to be able to remember the simple life:

I remember...
- when I would sit on my mom's lap and wonder why that prickly feeling was there sometimes and not others.
-knocking on my friends doors and asking their parents if they could come out and play with me.
-how everyone had that one "bossy" friend that they didn't really like, but since they didn't know any better they played with them anyway.
-being able to fit through the front door of my Barbi house.
-sneaking into my loud metal closet to retrieve my dress up high heels so I could sleep with them on.
-making a hopscotch that went from my house to my friends, 4 houses down.
-having the imagination to play "House" forever.
-the way Barbi's and American Girl dolls could capture my amusement for hours.
-the days with bed times.
-when sleeping without a night light was a BIG deal.
-the grass scratching at my legs when teachers or leaders held lessons or meetings outside.
-the independence I felt when I first road around the lake by myself and to have it instantly shattered when my mom found out and put me in "time-out"
-knowing exactly how old another kid was just by looking at them.
-waking up before my parents and realizing I had the privilege of jumping on them to wake them up.
-being a whole family who had dinner together.
-wanting a trampoline so badly and never getting one (now after watching America's Funniest Home videos I understand why my mother caved to wishes).
-sneaking down in the middle of the night with my flashlight to see what I would be getting for Christmas.
-never believing in Santa Claus
-the day my mother told me the tooth fairy wasn't real after I had spent an hour crying over the fact that I wasn't going to have the first tooth that grew in. I sure was one sentimental child.
-missing the first day of Kindergarten because my dad gave me "Bob's Brunch", this gross cheesy casserole thing, and I threw it up on the bus on the way to school... in the first seat.
-my first crush, Eric Straka, and how I would touch every inch of a paper when he was 'paper passer'.
-when my basement was filled with toys.
-kneeling on the bow with Lauren and singing kids song every time we were on the boat.
-searching for pieces of pretty glass down by the water.
-the day where Lauren and I jumped into the water 936 times. Oh the energy we had back then.
-sliding down the stairs on my stomach.
-wearing my blanket as a cloak.
-my mom reading the first 3 Harry Potter books to my brother and I after the divorce.
-thinking that the only hard part about driving was figuring out the knobs, aka the ac controls and radio.
-the grass sticking to my legs after running through the sprinkler.
-swimming in the lake behind my house.
-spending hours and hours on my swing set.
-playing with kitchen utensils in the bath tub at the lake.
-cart wheeling throughout the entire house.
-one-handed cart wheeling throughout the entire house.
-choreographing routines to songs by boy bands.
-fighting with my friends and getting over it the very next day.
-my brother and I playing 'ship' on my bed.
-when kids first started to swear. (I was the tattle tale for quite some time)
-asking my mom if a combination of letters was a word.
-my summer babysitters taking me to geauga lake and the rare but awesome nights that my mom would take us when she got home from work.
-my dad giving me lawn mower rides.
-playing in the pool at my grandparents house in Arizona.
-sitting in my bathroom and thinking "my parents will never get divorced"
-trying my hardest to climb over in to the big pool at my house in California.
-riding through "It's a Small World After All" in a green boat.

I hope I will always be able to remember my childhood. It was a good one.

World Domination

Now that Ted Kennedy's spot in the Massachusetts senate has been replaced by a republican for the first time in years people are saying that the democrats no longer have the control they voted for in 08'. Apparently they believe that the republicans are going to dominate once again, but don't any of them realize that it is neither the democrats or the stubborn ones that are going to rule. No, it's no longer a matter of politics. Lady Gaga and Facebook are going to take over the world!

Prepare yourself for a women to rule the world in an unnecessary amount of sequence, avant garde wardrobes, and crack like make up. The radios will be broadcasting nothing but Gaga and soon enough it will be the only music people listen to. Civilians will march along the streets in UGG and legging uniforms (including the men) to the sounds and beats of "Poker Face". There will be no speaking to others, just seldom time with a computer. To top off all of the madness facebook is going to be the only form of communication, and the only way people will know anything about anyone is by what they decided to post their status as. Eventually the government will lose all power, as if they would need it, and all business will be conducted via a social networking site.

Monday, February 8, 2010

These are a few of my favorite things

Plainly stated, I have awesome friends. They are inspiring, supportive, hilarious, witty, funny and overall amazing. A week or 2 ago one of my awesome friends (aka HayleyGHoover) walked in and said "I love poetry" and then continued to tell us about the list of things she really loves.
So I am going to be a copy cat and follow suit.

Things I love:

Seeing people in red and gold sweaters and feeling connected to them with the assumption that they bought it because it reminded them of Harry Potter.

Retreating to both happy and sad memories and being thankful that I have them all.

When I find the perfect edge of a pencil that makes my notes look beautiful and neat.

The summer days at the lake that I wake up before everyone else and can have the porch, the coffee maker, and the good blanket all to myself to read peacefully and enjoy the crystal glass like appearance of the silent morning water.

Finding affordable antique stores full of colorful trinkets and obscure household items.

When 2 people who are completely unrelated and unaware of the other's existence become a fan of the same thing on facebook.

Brushing my hair after I get out of the shower and am reminded of why I spend too much money on conditioner.

Harry Potter ad everything about it. How I consider the characters of Harry Potter to be my friends, because I know they will always be there for me when I need them. How when I was 9 and my parents had just got divorced my mom read the first 3 books to me and my brother a chapter a night. Not to mention that she pronounced slytherin *sly- th-ear-E-in*

The second family I have at my lake house and how we only see each other once a year and it's like we were never apart.

The smell of my best friends house and how it brings back so many happy memories.

Laying on the hairy carpet with my dog and watching her flail around jubilantly while sneezing 3 times after I rub her belly.

The fact that I just had to correct my spelling of hairy. It's only habit that I type Harry.

How I can turn everything we say or talk about into a Friends reference without anyone else knowing, and if by chance they are just as obsessed with the sitcom as I am we can laugh and enjoy at the peculiar newly discovered connection.

Books. There will be nothing greater in life, nothing more appreciated than the escape one experiences while falling into the depths, characters, plot line and action of a provocative novel.

Going to Panera by myself with my computer to grab a bagel and do some people watching. I swear I'm not a creeper.

Being a Steelers fan in northeast Ohio and having to the confidence to tell a Browns fan they're wrong when they say "Steelers Suck"

Chocolate milk.

Coffee. Coffee houses. Coffee smells. Coffee pastries. Coffee coffee coffee. STARBUCKS!

The new friends I have made or the friends I have become closer to lately that I know will be in my life forever.

The rightful 4 actors who helped make Sweeny Todd, Alice in Wonderland and the last few Harry Potter movies dark yet delicious. Thank you Helena Bonham Carter, Alan Rickman, and Timothy Spalls. Johnny Depp, if only there was a part in the Deathly Hallows movies that you could be casted in. Perhaps a Carrow.

The gifts that keep on giving, like the Complete Works of William Shakespeare that my best friend gave me.

This is just a small portion of a very large list. There are so many things I love in this world and it would take a life time to for me to type it all.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

A challenge

Most Americans spend the first 18, if not 22, years of their life practically the same way. We all play through our childhood, attempt to make it gracefully through the awkward years of middle school, transition into the even more uncomfortable stage of high school and then discover the new found freedom of college. Even though everyone has their own personal story, past, history and journey, with their own triumphs and falls, the first 20 some years follow the a similar outline. Even our parents.

Today I was thinking about my family. My dad graduated college in 76' and my mom in 83', but it wasn't until 86' that they got married, had my brother and settled down. So what did they do during the time after college and before babies? Personally I couldn't tell you much about what my own parents did prior to crossing the threshold into parenthood, but I assume that I'm not alone in this lack of knowledge. It is a complete mystery to me, their lives as young single people with little responsibility. Since it is to late to call my mom, and I'm sure my dad is partaking in football craze, I intend to call my parents and ask them what those years were like. Who were their friends? Where did they live? What were their jobs? This sounds pretty cheesy, and I don't me to be a prescriber of unsolicited advice, but I encourage you to talk to your parents and discover their unknown years. It could be interesting. You didn't know your parents before they had you.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


Today I read on the interweb that Andrew Lloyd Webber is completely cancer free. It's always a joy to discover that one of your favorite writers isn't terminally ill. Anyway, ever since his name came across my screen I have had his song "Memory" stuck in my head. That song brings me back to the magically awkward days of 7th grade. That year was the only year that I used my voice for a school club. I was part of my middle school's noble choir 'Guys & Dolls', complete with performances in habbit like skirts paired with blue sequence mumu like tops. To top it off the "men" in the group had the privilege of wearing black shirts with the same blue sequence in vest form and a smashing red bow tie. Oh what a great group we were.

While in my psychology class today my professor couldn't help but provoke the lyrics to "Memory" into my head as she lectured about memory. Now normally in this class everyone can relate to the subject matter , we all have a personality, emotions, experiences, and senses; it's very easy to follow along and understand on a personal level. But today in class I found myself lost and doubting what she had to say. Today it seemed as if she was trying to teach me that the sky is not blue, that it is in fact a lovely shade of magenta.

She explained that the sensory experiences that don't make it to our long term memory, also called short term memory, is forgotten within 2-3 seconds. Makes sense, right? Yeah. But she also said that our dreams are part of our short term memory, and that the only way we could remember them is if we pull a Rachel Berry and wake up with enough energy and motivation to write them down within 20-30 seconds of waking up.
This baffles me. I remember all of my dreams. It has been quite sometime since I slept dreamlessly. The dreams I have absorb me and I can recall upon any of them and tell you in detail what happened. Now I may miss some points or forget a few things, but generally speaking I remember my dreams for at least a few days.

After hearing this I was beginning to wonder if I just have a really unusual sleep habit, or if maybe my hipocampus is peculiarly strong.

So then she tells us about Infantile/Child Amnesia, which is why adults can not remember most of their childhood. It is also apparently why people can not remember anything before the age of 3. What? What is this? 3! People can't remember anything prior to the age of 3?
This is when I really began to wonder if I had an obscure memory.
I remember vividly trying to climb over to the big pool from the adjoined hot tub/ baby pool when we lived in California. It was my goal, my journey, my sense of purpose. I remember the divot in the wall which was lower that I could climb over. That lower level would be my parents demise. I knew that if I could just get over that wall I could be with everyone else and have the entire pool to swim in. We moved to Ohio when I was one something. All of that happened when I was only a year and some old and I remember it perfectly.
I could also recall to you a very green ride through "It's a Small World After All" during one of the family's trips to Disney Land when we lived out in Cali.

Then it all started to click. The memories of my dearest cousin telling me "Heather, sometimes I think you remember things that never actually happened," when I know they did. The unnatural amount of dreams that stick with me forever. The memories from when I was a year old. It all started to make some sense, and I have come to a conclusion. I have an oddly strong memory.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Guess who's back?

This blog could go one of two ways; it could be optimistic and hopeful, or it could be obnoxiously whiny. And since I am trying to find new balance in my life, I will follow my Libra ways and make it a combination of the two.

You don't appreciate the luxury of a laptop computer at college until it's gone. To top off the worst week of my life, my computer charger decided to fail on me leaving me with a dead black screen. Since the fateful day that Johnny left I wanted nothing more than to escape to my computer and partake in my favorite past time, random writing that will hopefully one day be something more than a scramble of word documents. As you can tell by the fact that I'm typing this, I have received a replacement charger and have found new appreciation for my computer.

Right now I am laying in my bed watching Beauty and the Beast with some of the roommates, and it's interesting to watch how Disney magically defies the basic laws of physics. I don't think it's possible for a tiny little princess to pull up an entire beast from a wet slippery tower. Although, if they live in a world where people turn into furniture and a rose decides the fate of a prince than I suppose anything is possible.
Sorry, just a random thought.

Most of you know that my time here at school has been less than satisfactional, in fact I want nothing more in the world than to go home. Don't get me wrong, I have made some awesome friends here, but when you are stranded in a very remote place with with 20,00 other people your age you begin to realize how old you are or act at least. I've discovered that for most college is a time for discovering yourself, meeting new friends, and throwing balls into cups. It's a time to be young, to avoid trouble, and be as loud as possible. Apparently I have missed that memo and have rendered myself unrelateable to the average college student. O well, I'll be in the right place all in due course, but for now I take much pleasure in the fact that I know I am different. I am my own person with my own sense of individuality.

Today I was rather embarrassed when we discovered that the source of the mysterious odd smell emanating in my room was my dining hall work shirt. But when I was putting my shoes on and noticing the foot wear of my friends I couldn't help but smile at the thought "at least I don't wear UGGs." At least I am not part of the clones.

This blog may be a little more skewed to the negative, but writing it was quite positive, so I hope you had a similar experience.

Thursday, January 14, 2010


I feel like I have learned more about myself in the past week than I have my entire life. That's what college is all about, right? Although I've realized that I am a well mannered, out going, good friend, truly original person, I've also realized that I need to get my shit together. My resolutions for this year are going to help me manage my flaws and better myself, and with all of this I hope to be healthier and happier.

I've been feeling great this week, whether it be from the endorphins from my daily work out routines, or the fact that I know I am my own person who will not conform to the typical wardrobe of an OU student. Come on kids, be an original!!! So this year is starting off well, and don't criticize me for doing this, but I am going to give up chocolate! Not permanently but for now. Along with my other many many realizations I realized that a lot the unnecessary calories I eat come from chocolate, and it's chocolate that is holding me back from achieving my goals. So, for now bye bye chocolate.

For now that's all.
But read my "I'll be there for you" blog. It's about all of my awesome friends.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

A poem

To be alive in this world you must stand out in the crowd, be different, be you.
Stand up for what you believe in and fight against what you believe to be wrong.
About something, anything.
Let your passions take hold. Speak out.
You must earn the title of individual!
You are nothing if you blend into the the rest like a mush of static and snow.
Throw out those UGG boots, get rid of that north face, untuck your jeans and be you!
To be anything less is a lie.
To conform to those around you is inviting them to walk over you.
Remember who you are, so you can
Earn the title of individual.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

My dearest apologies

I have survived my first week back at school but only just. And even though I am currently fine and laughing, it would be false of me to say I got here without any bruises and scrapes. I could only describe this week as a novel in itself.

I could rant and bitch about the hurtful details, however I feel that reliving those moments are not only painful but unnecessary. So to carry on I could divulge of my evil plans to dominate the world and take over the universe. I shall be the one true ruler of all nations, both human and alien, including Canada.

Ok, I'll stop.

Youth in Revolt was last nights evening activity for me and 3 of my friends here at school. The journey to the theater was hyper but not nearly as loud as the way back. The movie itself is my topping my list at number 1 now. Greatest movie ever. Nick Twisp needs to be my boyfriend. Anyway, while we were watching the movie I got a text message from my mother telling me that my step father found a dead bird in my toilet! WTF? How does that happen.? I doubt that the bird died in a fatal swim up the pipes of my toilet, considering birds don't swim. But if it did die before hand, how in the world did it end up in the inside of a toilet bowl? O well, I guess Pat took care of it and my mother didn't have to deal with any nonsense that comes with finding a dead bird in the toilet.

Friday, January 1, 2010

New Years Day. Time for a clean slate, fresh start, and a new beginning. Most people make resolutions (that will probably fail) to better themselves. And even though they may be unrealistic and unlikely at least they are there, at least there is an attempt to be a better person and in term better the world. The usual resolutions are of nutrition and health, or perhaps achieving goals and aspirations. They give us a glimpse of hope for a better future.

I once made a resolution, a very serious resolution, and not only did I achieve it, but I took it too far. This year I have other goals and new dreams. So a toast. To a New Year and making it the way you want it to be.

#1 Figure out college and finances.
#2 Get an apartment
#3 Become a free agent
#4 Save money for spontaneous trip to London
#5 To be Healthy... (not crazy)