Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Personal Perfection

While some people slumber peacefully this eve of Christmas eve, and dream of sugarplum fairies dancing in their heads (although I guess that's tomorrow night), I sit awake in my personal perfection.
Alex watched her man as I went along with the midnight cleaning of my room, a surprise for my mother come morning. The end of the movie coincidentally coincided with the finishing touches of my tidying and it didn't take us long to decide what to do next.
Now, lying in bed, allowing for the pain in my back to finally subside, I take a breath. It will be okay. Everything will be okay. Lying in bed with Alex, like an old married couple, listening to her read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows out loud to me helps me remember my own advice. Everything in life is only 'For Now.' So even though my normal thrill for the Holiday season has been less than standard I am hopeful for years to come, even the next few days. I am actually looking forward to tomorrow and Christmas, partially because I want to get my Harry Potter computer game, but also because it will be messed up and torturous. That may sound bizarre coming from a girl who is wildly obsessed with Christmas, but surprisingly enough my actual Christmas days are just down right stressful. They would be great if it was possible for a person to be at two places at once, but since we have yet to come up with the technology of a time turner, and I being the child of divorce parents, have to choose between Mom and Dad. And after I finally make up my mind of where I am going I still have to deal with the crazy families from both sides. So back to the point. I am actually excited this year. Not sure why. Maybe it's because I have accepted the fact that Christmas is crazy, and have learned to embrace it instead of fear for chaos. Either way. For the first time in awhile I pumped for Christmas.

P.S. I've realized that this blog reveals my true obsession for Harry Potter. So if you were wondering... Yes, Alex and I read out loud to each other, give it a try sometime. It's really fun.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Freud must have been on to something.

While most people sleep deep and hard each evening in the peaceful bliss of their own mind, there are others, like myself, that cannot grasp the serendipity of dreams. Sleep has become so complicated over the years, and I would like it to just be sleep instead of a frustrating outlet of emotion and stress.
There are the rough nights where sleep seems to never come, and I lay in bed tossing and turning while I wait for my brain to stop running. I appear to have some kind of inability that prohibits me from locating the switch that turns off my mind. And even though those nights have become less frequent, they still visit me from time to time.
Now that I am able to actually fall into some decent rem, I am still tortured by the elaborate dreams I seem to create. Either I wake up completely freaked out because the entire world just melted or I have to swim across some random ice forsaken ocean, or I wake up completely upset because I realize that it all was all a dream.
The dreams that are most haunting are the ones you know will never come true.
If you asked me I would say that Freud was on to something. He believed that dreams were a gateway to the subconscious. Well if that's true, it is very clear what my subconscious wants, or I guess what I want.
Every morning I am struck down by reality and heartache, and I guess that these dreams will not go away until something is done.
So I guess I have to do something about it... but what?

Thursday, December 10, 2009


For the past week or so I have sat down with my computer every night and tried to write a blog, but when I actually try to focus my thoughts into words everything comes out empty. Never have I ever been so frazzled in my life. Never have I ever had a lack of words, or even yet communication. Never have I ever been so frustrated by life. So tonight I am determined to get a blog out for my readers to enjoy, or at least tolerate.

Let me just start by telling you how amazing my evening was. With so much going on I haven't fully been able to enjoy much of anything lately. My normal obsession for the Holiday Season is normally beaming this time of year, but this year my spirit is no more greater than the man sitting in the big chair on the top floor of a company just trying to make sales. And even though I wasn't really put in the Christmas spirit tonight, I was at least having a great time. Tonight was basically a reunion of one of my better nights at OU. I was with my friends, Sean, Hayley, and Ben and we just went to a coffee shop and talked until they closed, and afterwards we came back to my house and watched 500 Days of Summer (really good movie btw). Nothing extraordinary happened and nothing outstanding occurred, but I can't help but love the dynamics the 4 of us share. The others might not appreciate our time together the way I do, but I know I value just sitting and talking with them and hearing what they have to say. Tonight was just so amazingly fun and I love everyone of them so much!

I could complain and be winy about the never ending chaos here, but I think I am going to leave at that. Why ruin a good blog with a bad rant about the current shit in my life. I may be one hundred percent frazzled right now with literally every aspect of my life, but that's not what you need to know. Right?

I will tell you this. Plain and simply.
A. Damn, it feels so good to be home.
B. My life is a mess
C. My plan to live with my dear Alex next year is my saving grace.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

The What If's

When friends come to me with worry, stress and little hope for the near future, my first advice for them is to listen to the song "For Now" from one of my favorite Broadway shows Avenue Q. It reminds us that even though times are tough they certainly can't last forever and that everything in life is only for now. So when my own personal life becomes overwhelmingly complicated and hard to handle I try to take my usual advice and look to the future, but this time the future seems so far away. What was once stable and clear is now as fuzzy and unfocused as a pair of broken binoculars that inhibit me to see the sanity. I can't help but dwell on all the 'what ifs' that brought me to this point of despair, and even more what I can do to make things right.
It's like all the 'what ifs' are yelling at me and now I need to know 'what if...?'
What if HE never came into my life?
What if I never let him go?
What if that hug never broke?
What if I opened the car door and ran after him?
What if I didn't move on?
Who would be there?
What if I he didn't influence me to visit OU?
What if I went to school with my best friend from the get go?
What if I had saved more money?
What if I knew what I was doing?
Where would I be?

So instead of dwelling on the 'what ifs' I am going to move onto the 'what nows?'
Now I need to... well... do a lot of things.
So for starters I will try to find some focus.
Step 1. Figure out college and transferring.
Step 2. Resolve love life
Step 3. Lots and lots of candle lit bubble baths.

Wish me luck everyone!
Hopefully soon I will be on the right track for transfer, stable in or out of a relationship, and thin. Simple. Right?

Monday, November 30, 2009

Sinfully Delicious

Today was my first day of work at a new job. I'm working 3rd shift at a factory that makes little metal pieces. This is my attempt to make a little money over winter break. This job is the most tedious task to ever be assigned to anyone ever. I sit at an awkwardly tall table and test the size of little pieces of metal by putting it in a gage and then separating out the ones that are too big. After 8 hours I managed to test over 4000 of these little stupid sharp metal pieces. But while I was callusing my fingers, I enjoyed my very extensive Christmas music library on my Ipod. I couldn't help but feel like an elf while listening to the music and tinkering around at a work bench. That feeling was short lived and died about 4 minutes later. Even though I didn't feel like an elf anymore the cold factory had me craving a Dunkin Donuts hot chocolate. Finally my shift was over and I was able to leave. I walked out the door and found instant joy. SNOW! How appropriate. Now the hot chocolate was calling my name. There is a Dunkin Donuts on my way home and as I pulled into the driveway I was thinking about how sinfully delicious all their treats are. That got me thinking...
Sinfully delicious. The foods that make your ass grow and the foods that you know are bad for you are considered sinfully delicious. They contain sugar, fat, and for me chocolate, all the good stuff, right? What I wonder is, do we love the actual taste and sensation of sinful snacks, or do we love the taste and sensation of the idea that they are sinful. Doesn't everybody love what they can't have? Guys become instantly more attractive to girls as soon as they become unavailable. It's either that it took another girl to open up our eyes to to see he is actually a great guy, or it is because we know we can't have him. If the sweets we crave and fall into temptation over were actually healthy for us, would we love them just the same? What if it was vegetables that clogged our arteries and made us look like a lump of lard? would those be sinfully delicious? Would we crave vegetables over the sugary sweets?

Okay, well even if my hypothesis isn't true, I still love my chocolate.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Thanksgiving Day Lessons

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, my favorite day of the year, and what better way to celebrate than consuming large amounts of food, laughing with your crazy family, and enjoying the sheer fact that you have no obligation to get any of them presents. Every year I fight for Thanksgiving to be the same. I pull a Chandler Bing and wake up at 9 to watch the parade, then make the sweet potato casserole while my mom and grandma bicker about which way the silverware goes into the dishwasher. After everyone showers and we watch the Pembroke Welsh Corgi in the dog show we leave to go my cousin Connie's house. It's there where we're joined by 45+ of our closest family members, and stand around enjoying hor d'oeuvres until a crowd develops in the kitchen. Dinner is always delicious and considerably peaceful. But thanks to this years additional (accidental) festivities, I have learned a few lessons about Thanksgiving or really any old dinner party.

Lesson 1. The bathroom door has a lock for a reason, take advantage of it, especially when little boys are running around the house.

Lesson 2. Wrapping paper does NOT put out fires, contrary to what people believe.

Lesson 3. Finding Nemo on HD looks really weird.

Lesson 4. Don't let an 80 lbs. dog go underneath a cramped table. It will probably result in somebody wearing their dinner.

Lesson 5. Toddlers can be entertained by anything!

Lesson 6. To avoid awkward situations, establish a DD ahead of time.

If you follow these suggestions you'll have a safe and entertaining thanksgiving, but it still won't be as funny as mine was.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Super Heros

Tonight I sit here on my friend's carpeted floor doing what I do best, surf the internet instead of studying for my final tomorrow. Maybe if I hadn't been distracted by Miley's birthday cake I would actually be getting work done. And yes, that would be Miley Cyrus. Today is her 17th birthday and if it wasn't for my friend Hayley I wouldn't have this ridiculously expensive cake. Normally I wouldn't even fathom buying a cake for someone I have little respect for, but when you have $24 to spend at the market, and you're leaving the next day, any reason to buy a $15 cake seems automatically worth it. So maybe instead of it being a cake to celebrate the day Destiny Hope Cyrus was born, it can be to celebrate the fact that tomorrow I am going home! That is correct my friends, tomorrow after my final exam at 10:10 I will be stuffing my mom's car, yet again, to travel back to Hudson.

Okay, that's all besides point.
So while I sit here, not studying, I enjoy the hilarity comedy styles of the amazing Ellen DeGeneres. Listening to her I can't help but think how much Ellen makes the world such a happier place. She brings such joy to the world with her stand up bits and her daily talk show. But not only does she have an incredible talent to make people laugh, but her general kindness and open minded spirit is plain and simply just another great person to help influence others to be just as open and kind. She inspires people to better themselves and in term better the world.

So that got me thinking about all the great people in the world. Sure there are the people who first come to mind when you think about greatness. People like Martin Luther King Junior, Mother Teresa, Mahatma Gandhi, Abraham Lincoln, Alexander Graham Bell, Albert Einstein, and Jonas Salk, all of which have had some of the most positive affects on history. But what about the other kings of greatness? The ones that didn't necessarily fight for peace, or discover a scientific breakthrough, but the ones who are great purely for their existence.

So here is my tribute to all the people who I think are great:

Starting with Ellen DeGeneres. She creates laughter. Have you ever looked back to your childhood and thought about how much you used to laugh? Everything was funny, the bugs on the ground, your aunt's mystery hair color, a chalk outline of your best friend, or the way spaghetti sounded when you slurped in an individual strand of pasta. But now you have other things to worry about like losing your job, infectious diseases, pointless wars, relationships failing, finances falling and any other mental problems each one of us possesses. Yet somehow, through all of the hardship, listening to Ellen's stand up or TV shows allows us to step back from the struggle and laugh again. But she does so much more than make hopefuls laugh. She is a leader of example just by being so loving towards everyone. Her open mindedness is nothing less than inspirational and contagious. The world be a much better place if more people could be like Ellen DeGeneres.

Matthew Shepard. For those of you who don't know Matthew's tragic story, it had one of the largest affects on hate crime awareness to date. In 1998 the 21 year old ,University of Wyoming student, was horrifically murdered by two other boys. They lead him to a remote rural area and tied him to a fence post after brutally beating him. They left him there to die and 18 hours later he was discovered in a coma. His body was taken to the hospital but he only survived a few more days. Matthew Shepard died because two ignorant, hateful, bigoted boys didn't like the fact that he was gay. The hate crime toward Matthew, that occurred on October 7th, 1998, spawned an outburst from all gay rights activist. It was shortly later that the Matthew Shepard foundation was formed and shortly after that the Matthew Shepard Act was created. Both fight for the termination of hate crime. His death was not one of few, hate crime happens more than most people think but now people know, know to fight. Though we lost a great person that night, we gained so much awareness. The Matthew Shepard Act and Foundation are constantly working to stop hate crimes and open the minds of the hateful. Matthew Shepard will not have died in vain.

Greatness is so much more than bettering man kind, or making people laugh. It can simply be from creating happiness. I would consider Walt Disney to be one of the greatest men to ever walk this earth. What kind of childhood would a person have if it wasn't filled with the magic of Disney? Disney inspires children to reach for their dreams, have an imagination, and believe that anything is possible. Just think about every movie, every song, every vacation, everything you have ever experienced that was created by Disney. So many of my favorite memories were formed from the magic of Disney. In fact my very first memory happened at Disneyland when I was only a year and half old. My family and I were sitting in a green boat in a green tunnel on the ride It's a Small World After All. I vaguely remember the puppets, but the repetitive song will stay with me forever. It's was movies like Beauty and the Beast, Pochantas, Lion King, and The Jungle Book that first got me hooked on the big castle. Walt Disney, without a doubt, inspired more happiness, creativity, and hope than anyone else. He is a true hero to every child, teenager and adult.

Joanne Kathleen Rowling is by far my most favorite author! I don't even know where to begin talking about Harry Potter. Her books haven't just touched me but the entire planet. The magical world she wrote up, with an extraordinary boy as the hero, has turned into the biggest phenomenon to hit the literary world. Not only did Harry Potter get kids reading, but it got kids to love reading (something television has been trying to do for years). The magical world gave an escape to any child going through hardship, but you certainly don't need to struggle to enjoy it. Harry Potter is one of the few series that is appreciated by all ages, genders and lifestyles. Harry Potter changed my life and I have to thank my grandparents for giving me and my brother the first book. My parents got divorced right about the time The Philosopher's Stone came out. My mom went out and bought a king sized bed for herself, and every night me and my brother would climb in it so she could read a chapter each night to us. Our nightly ritual brought us 3 together and helped me get over my parents separation. We enjoyed my mother's interpretations of Rowling's made up magical words for the first 3 of the seven books. Afterwards we joined the HP madness in anticipation for each of the last 4 releases. Now that the final epilogue has been read, we look forward to the midnight premiers of each movie. There is something so great about knowing that you are not the only person who is so wildly obsessed with a fictional character enough that you would paint a scar on your forehead and go to movie that begins at midnight. And even though there only remains one more book to be brought to the big screen, we have double the merriment of it being split into two fantastic suspenseful movies. J.K. Rowling is possibly the greatest person in my life. And even though I don't know her (that would be awesome) I feel like I do. She is the reason I have friends. I know that sounds completely utterly ridiculous, but when I read and reread her books I feel like I'm spending time with friends instead of actually reading. It may seem silly to call these characters my close personal friends, but they have been with me through the good times and bad. I know their personalities, histories, likes and dislikes. Each one of them is more than just a character in a book, but a friend to all. Okay... so besides sounding like a huge Harry Potter dork I do have a point to make. Most everyone has a story about the way HP changed their life for the better. Rowling created this fictional world that has made the real world go crazy... in a good way. She is the ultimate greatness for magically coming up with Harry Potter, the boy who not only saved the Wizarding World, but shed some light and happiness to the real world.

This may not be my greatest writing or witticism, but I felt a need to give credit to the people I find truly Great. These 4 people have provided me with so much strength, laughter and happiness that I needed to say something. They are 4 great spirits who should be treated as such. There are many many more people who are just as great; who do you think are some of the other non-typical great powers in our world?

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Defeated Disciplining

Today I was in the market and had an extra dollar to spend. I wandered to the candy section to pick up a pack of gum when something caught my eye, the word Reese's. Now normally the delicious addictive chocolatey peanut butter treats jump out at me to the point where it's the first thing I see in a store, but no, it snuck up on me. Instead of being accompanied by the words 'peanut butter cup', it was printed ever so plainly next to an even larger text of the disgusting word 'Woopers'. What is this attocity? Now there are some mash-ups that work quite harmoniously, like Glee's Walking on Sunshine/Halo or the magic between the classic peppermint/chocolate flavors that create our favorite girl scout cookie. But Woopers and Reese's? I've never been a fan of Woopers, but with the word Reese's on the box automatically compels me to at least give it a try. So I buy the movie theater box of candy and take it home to taste. Not to my surprise they were nothing but unsatisfying. There is something about malt balls that really throw me off, probably the texture. So with this discovery I was very intrigued to figure out what makes up a Reese's Wooper malt ball. The first ingredient was sugar, but the second one was a little bit more mysterious. Partially defatted peanuts. Huh? Exactly. But it wasn't partially defatted peanuts that humored me, it was that at first glance the tiny font made the words look like partially defeated peanuts. And the first thing that popped into my head was an image of tiny little peanuts in army garb lying in on the ground in a puddle of ketchup.

While I was laughing about partially defeated peanuts, I remembered a sign that stands on the side of the road at my lake house. Instead of explaining it to you, I'm going to let you see first.
It reads "Discipling Boys To Love Jesus Deeply And Express Him Vividly", but when you're driving down a hill at 50 miles per hour the word Discipling looks a lot like Disciplining. So for me and my entire family it read, "Disciplining Boys To Love Jesus Deeply and Express Him Vividly." I'm sure you can all see the humor of this. It took my own slow drive by to finally correct my family's misunderstanding.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

One day...

"One day I'll fly away, leave all this to yesterday. Why live life from dream to dream? And dread the day when dreaming ends."

Though it may seem like all aspects of my life are in the dark, I am determined to find the matches. I may be blind, but I think I'm getting closer and closer. Someday life will be filled with candles and warmth. I'll be able to see clearly, I'll be able to relight any candle that goes out with the light of the others. Someday. Someday I will live my life from day to day... instead of dream to dream. So for now, I'm just waking up and searching for the light.

50 to go

Friday, November 13, 2009

Let Loose the Lines

because I'm sailing free.

No longer will I stand to be tied down by my own restraints. It's time to move past the past and onto the life I've aspired to live. I shall not condone my own tendencies to play Ms. Havisham and experience 'life outside my apartment.' But to remember that I too have a life, and should not just be passively in another's.

I am going to start my own book instead of just being a character in someone else's. Chapter one: College.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The Penis Game

All of you probably remember the Penis Game from middle school, and remember that is a competition where the main objective is to yell 'penis' louder than anyone else. It was a little stupid game that was normally played by 12 year old boys. Well than, apparently college students are now 12.

I fell asleep around 1 in the morning, and was rudely awoken around 2 because some drunken idiot decided it would be a great idea to yell penis really loud from the street. Not only did I not appreciate the disturbance, I haven't been able to fall back asleep. It is now 4:11 and I sit here doubting my ability to sleep again.

While I lay here all night I have been thinking about many many things (also the source of my state of awakeness) that are happening in my life now. So much is going on and so much is at a stand still. If only I could make some progress maybe then I would be able to sleep.

As boring as lying in bed is all night I have had some entertainment:
My roommate likes to talk in her sleep... tonight about pretzels.
The door opened on it's own... scary but really cool.
I talked to a stranger... from the Netherlands

So even though I am tortured by being soooooo tired and not being able to sleep, I must say that it's been an odd night.

Well maybe I'll get lucky and happen to fall asleep.
If not I'll see you in a few hours and will be pretty bitchy.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Love Handles

Today I was having some Chubby Hubby ice cream, my personal favorite. It's vanilla malt ice cream with swirls of peanut butter and chocolate and then some chocolate covered peanut buttered filled pretzels. It is THE best. Although I'm not sure where it would rank with Half Baked. Ben & Jerry's really have something good going for them. Anyway that is beside the point. My roommate told me that Chubby Hubby is exactly like this one kind that they serve at Handles, a little outdoor ice cream stand that they have in various places in north east Ohio. When we were talking about it I said " I love handles."
That's cool
When a person Loves handles... they get love handles. Oh the pun. I thought this was really cool for some reason. I wondered if it was why they named the store handles. Because if you love handles... you get love handles. I just think that is the coolest thing ever. I know I'm a dork, but I embrace it.

Saturday, November 7, 2009


I am currently sitting in my unofficial new room with my awesome new roommate, listening to Christmas music despite the time of year. Mariah Carey's All I Want For Christmas is playing and all I can think about is him. It's been a long time since he has entered my life and throughout our history I always pined for more. More attention, more space, more communication, more time, more hugs, more phone calls, more visits, more HIM! We've been in each others lives for so long and I'm not sure if more will ever happen.

My last relationship (as wonderful and amazing and spectacular as it was) started because I needed to move on from him and learn to be happy. And now that relationship has ended because (along with other various reasons) I never did get over him. He will forever torment my mind until I can have more, or at least closure.

So to you, him, he. I want you to know that you mean the world to me. I would give anything to have more of you. You may never read this and I may never have more, but you are my love. For all the pain we've put each other through, it's all been worth it... at least for me.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Why my NaNoWriMo word count has yet to really begin

Yesterday's insanity still holds true for now, but with much more intensity. Let me just describe to you my day.

I spend my morning the usual way, wake up and go to the class. After class I had about 10 minutes to get from one side of campus to the other so I wouldn't be late for my advising session. (I have to schedule soon and I don't know what to take for education) After the advising session I go to Perkins to hang out with my favorite people until Johnny gets done with class so we can go to dinner.

This is where all the madness kicks in.
Upon first sight of Johnny I was already frustrated. We spent all of dinner struggling to resist the temptation to touch and kiss each other, and once the delicious pumpkin pie was gone Kelly and I went to get jobs at the new dining hall on campus.
We filled out about 8 different forms, all of which required our names, address, ss #, and a signature date combination. I walked out with a direct deposit sheet and a job, hopefully.
Finally it was time for Avenue Q! The much anticipated event of the year was finally here! We walked into the theater and there standing in the lobby was who else but JT Schindler. The man of my dreams from freshman year of high school who I recently learned attended OU. It was no secret that I was overly excited to see him. Here stood another man I had to resist the temptation to touch/kiss.
Our seats were in row H, which is really close to the stage, except for the small fact that we sat right next to the wall and didn't have much of a view of stage right. Before the doors were closed and the lights turned off Johnny and I began texting each other, despite the fact that he was sitting right next to me. We both confessed that we wanted hold hands, and then decided that there wasn't a rule that said we couldn't. I gave him the little slip of paper that I had wrote in linguistics this morning that simply said " I will love you forever". I wrote that with no intention of giving it to him, but when I felt the urge to lean over and give him a kiss I thought it could suffice.
His fingers were laced with mine throughout the entire first act, and when the romantic sappy loves songs came up I began to cry. During intermission we both lost our strength and couldn't fight anymore. Our lips touched ever so softly and then pulled away slowly, but a few moments later we were kissing more and more.
I felt a small vibration in my pocket and discover a text message regarding the room change meeting. The process of changing dorm rooms is all very complicated and I'm not going to bore you with the details. To make a long story short I ended up leaving at the beginning of the second act :( to go to the meeting. And after standing there in line for 15 minutes I was told that i didn't even need to be there. I made my way back to the show and was able to watch the finale number before it got let out. I wasn't too terribly disappointed that I had left because I have seen it once before.
Walking down the steps outside the auditorium we saw the tour buses that brought the us our favorite show. Standing by the door of the bus we saw the actors who played Brian and Princeton in Avenue Q. We went over to ogle them and scored out with a picture and 2 autographs. I'm pretty sure we did a good job of acting like a 15 year old girl meeting Miley Cyrus.
What a crazy night?
Can you see why I'm insane?
... probably not.

Anyway, tomorrow I am hermitting myself so I can commit to some serious NaNoWriMo writing. I am way behind. Still at a mere 213 words.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Hand Writing

Some people consider hand writing to be the style of an individuals print. However I have a much different definition of hand writing. My form of hand writing is what I actually write on my hand. The simplicity of taking a pen, marker, or high-lighter to a small section of skin to express some emotion, or possibly even make a small reminder, is a great outlet. I'm not sure if there are any health related consequences to applying ink to your hands, but hopefully there is not, because otherwise I would have some serious issues. I realized that I write on my hand as frequent as a teenage girl checks facebook. It has become my addiction, my dirty little secret. When I don't feel comfortable writing or drawing something on myself that other people would see I'll put it on leg or my arm and wear long sleeves. This is rather pre-teen of me, but the irony of it all is that I never drew on myself when it was popular to do so. However it's now uncommon for me not to have a picture or remnants of a picture on the back side of my hand. Each drawing or writing has meaning. They either express what I'm feeling at the moment, remind me to do something or provide me with motivation.

Handwriting of the day:

This is how I felt after my boyfriend and I broke up. I made it talk and everything. The funny thing is that I spent about 10 minutes laughing about how it looks like a "Go-Go" or "Crazy Bone" depending on what you called them back then. I also hope that this one doesn't leave an imprint of itself on my face while I sleep. I could wash it off , but that would require much to much work.

Reasons for Random Combustions

Because I know I have so many avid readers who care about me deeply and desperately want to know what is going on in my life. I shall tell you all about the mass chaos which has occurred in the past 4 days. Seeing as they are all quite clear and distinctly unrelated from each other, I will put them in different points.

Reason #1 for mass chaos:
My search for a room in Perkins hall got seemingly easier when my awesome friend Erin's roommate decided to move out. This leaves a perfect spot for me, instead of moving in with strangers and having to attempt to get a long with... girls. And even though I would be living with girls, they would be friends, instead of having to deal with the current girls who inhabit the Virgin Voigt Hall and cause me much distress and lack of sleep. So while this process should be simple it has been complicated due to the fact that there is a room change meeting on Wednesday during Avenue Q (which I waited at my computer for the tickets to go on sale so I could buy the best seats) and the fact that Meg is still unsure about weather or not to move out.

Reason #2 for going crazy:
A few weeks ago I had a break down because I thought I made the wrong choice in school. I tried for a few weeks to learn to love it but it's just not happening. So after another break down on Halloween I have officially decided to transfer to Allegheny College for the fall of 2010 semester (o boy, 2010 that's crazy). So I am now going through emails and emails of transfer work all in which I have no idea how to make sense of them. Wish me luck.

Reason #3 for wanting to be placed in a small white room:
I finally realized why I was so frustrated in my relationship. Why I wanted to be single, but still be with him at the same time. And since I'm a good person I am not going to post all of the details of our break up on the Internet. To sum it up nicely, we realized we were in love with the comfort and the caring we get from each other, not necessarily the other person. We decided mutually to be BEST FRIENDS. It has been a few hours since this has happened and we have already started our new found friendship. I see this going well. I am surprisingly better than I thought I would be. Probably because I have surrounded myself with Hayley, Kelly, Erin ,Pj and cookie dough to make me happy.

All of this happened within the past few days and things are beginning to look up. I am taking control of my life (or at least attempting) and will get through it, hopefully with a little grace.

It's time to move forward to new friendships, new beginnings and a new life.

NaNoWriMo words down: 213... How pathetic?
Once the hecticness dies down I'll be writing a whole lot more.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


"The children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of sugar plums danced in their heads."

Not quite the case of the other night. As I lay in my bed I awoke with a fright, except it wasn't Santa Claus who woke me up. Despite going to bed shivering I woke up from a dream drenched in sweat. Not the kind of perspiration you get when it's hot outside, I'm talking band camp sweat. And for all of you who didn't do band or didn't go to Hudson. Your sweat looks like somebody dumped a bottle of water on you.

So the dream I was in was rather personal. It had a 'somewhat of an ex boyfriend' in it and tortured me deeply. I was burning up in my bed and had to get out, but when I touched my arms they were cold. It was as if somebody had forced me to swallow one of those hand warmer things and that the heat couldn't penetrate into my skin. My body was freezing yet I was burning. Never have I ever felt a sensation that could compare to such.

Upon standing I felt sick to my stomach. I made it to my bathroom and just stood there, thinking about the dream. A few minutes past before I realized that I wasn't going to be sick and that it would be in my best interest to go back to bed. My will power was tested when I attempted to move on from the dream and think about something else but it kept on slipping back into my frame of mind.

The lids of my eyes got heavier and heavier as I fell back asleep. I slipped into the same dream, except this time it was lucid. I know that some people do not believe in the concept of lucid dreams, but as a person who has them frequently I certainly do.

Now having some control of your dream may sound fun and thrilling, but don't get to hasty. For one thing there have been studies that show that there are different types of lucid dreams and that each one deals with the amount of control that the person has. In this dream I could control everything except for the other people. I could put us in one place and move us to another in an instant. One moment we're in Beijing and the next were in a park. The dream continued, and I continued to do all that I could to make my wildest dreams come true... in a dream.

The boy that had haunted my other dream was passionately kissing me, it was like nothing was ever wrong, like our relationship was one of those perfect ones you read about in classic romance novels. But only a few seconds later he was leaving me, telling me he wasn't interested. Hurting me the same way he had hurt me all that time ago. I was crushed, I was burning. Once again I could tell that my actual body was hot again. I was tired of this dream and a fear came rushing in that I wouldn't be able to wake myself up, and that hopefully it was only a matter of time before the obnoxious noise from my alarm clock would shake me from this nightmare.While waiting for my savior I went and sat in a river (yeah I know, who sits in a river?) but I think it cooled me down. I was no longer on fire.

Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" finally came on and I was awake. What happened last night? I thought to myself. It took me a few moments to finally realize that everything was okay. That even though that boy had hurt me almost a year and a half ago that I was over it and in a loving relationship with someone so much better. But I was still in shock. It took a while for me to recount all of the events that happened that night and to actually grasp the fact that none of it was real except for the waking, burning moments and the sensation I couldn't describe.

Monday, October 26, 2009


Let me start by telling all of you, that when you go to Ohio University undecided they put you into their University College. But for whatever strange reason they thought me to be special. Therefore I am in the School of Arts and Scienes as undecided. So being in that state for so long, and having absolutely NO idea what it is I wanted to do in life, I finally decided.

I started by stepping away from my life and thinking about it like I would think about a great piece of literature. I made myself a character and developed her. I figured out her values, her likes, her dislikes and what she normally does to make herself happy. After getting to know this character like a best friend (even though I should probably know myself already) I thought about what I would tell her to do and why.

I would tell her to become a high school english teacher. It's perfect. She would have a flexible enough schedule to have a family, and plenty of time to do musicals at a local community theater. And what better place than an english department to discuss her favorite topics.

Wait a minute. I already wanted and then decided against it. I didn't want to graduate from highschool, go to college and then go back to highschool. I could do so much more! But what do I want to do? Conflicted!

Well I guess I will go along with every standardized test that told me to be just that. Apparently I am a personable person that likes to help others...

So I am now majoring in Integrated Language arts and will be able to teach English, Language Arts, theater and some other random stuff to 7 through 12th graders. I'm starting to get really excited. I've never had something so solid in my life. Lets see how this goes.

Thursday, October 8, 2009


Back during good old freshmen year of high school I met a boy name. He was a senior on drum line and played the snare. He had beautiful curly hair and very nice glasses. His smile could make even the straightest guys melt and his eyes were most mezmorizing. I wanted to meet him, or just talk to him, but I was a little immature freshmen that he wanted nothing to do with.

He went on to graduate that year and I thought I would never see him again. I thought that he would always be just my senior crush from freshmen year. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever have thought that I would see im again.

However now starting my freshmen year of college, my boyfriend found him. They work together at a reffing job. I didn't even know he attended this school. After I freaked out from this news I made it my goal to find him for myself.

This sounds really stalkerish, but it's fun to have my freshmen crush back. Something to make me smile because a random guy walked in.

So far I have seen him twice here. I get the butterflies right when I realize it's him. One day I will hopefully have the courage to talk to him myself. Oh how wonderful that would be.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Man in the Mirror

*If you want to make the world a better place take a look at yourself and make a... CHANGE*

Those words were immortalize by Michael Jackson in his song Man in the Mirror, and lately they have been hitting hard in my heart. The death of Michael was tragic but those words will live with me forever. I am realizing now how important it is to be a good person. Not just in the sense of general kindness but to truly try to bring positivity into the world. So I thought how can I make a CHANGE? The one thing that came to mind was how I am so frustrated by something and am not doing a thing about it. I'm starting with the man in the mirror. It's time for a CHANGE!

-I'll clear up some of my vaugness

We have come so far in terms of gay rights, but we still have miles to travel. It's not a question of when they will have the same equal rights as every other american does, but why don't they have them now?

Most opposed to gay marriage will tell you it is because of their religion, or that's just what I believe. Well do you want to know what I believe, I believe thats a bullshit excuse.

We are in the land of the FREE , not in the land of the REPRESSED! We pride ourselves on our equality and freedom, yet deny the most precious of all freedoms to 10% of our population. This is not acceptable and needs to CHANGE NOW!

So this is how I will make the world a better place. This is how I am going to CHANGE. I am not going to sit back anymore and let this stay the way it is. It's time everyone took a look at themselve and make a CHANGE!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

is this right?

I went home this weekend, and it was the most fantastic weekend of my life. I got to see my family and hang out with my bestest friend. We baked my favorite pumpkin bread and went shoe shopping for my mom's wedding. I went to see the band perform for the Parade of Bands and actually got to talk to Mr. Gram (the surprise guest) while I was there. It was so amazing.

Now I'm back at school, but why do I want to go home so bad? It seems like everyone is having so much fun here and I just want to go back to hudson. I am not liking it here. I have a roommate who is nocturnal and doesn't understand that I have an 8 o'clock class everyday. I live on the 4th floor of a building that is on the top of a very steep long hill. I am undecided so my classes have absolutely no points of interest to me. And I feel like I am failing at the whole making friends thing.

I just want it to be winter break so I can be home already.
Maybe this going to school thing wasn't a good idea.
Perhaps I'll transfer to Kent next year... i dunno.
Whatever I do, I want my OWN room!!!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

"Going OUt?"

Blogging about my life or writing my stories on this page may not get any attention, but at least it will help me explore my option of being a creative writing major. Right now I am undecided, but I can't stay that way forever. I am starting my first year at college and it has already been quite the adventure. These are the tales of the freshman experience. Any criticism, as long as it's constructive, will be appreciated.

Tonight is no different than every other weekend night, except for the small fact that it's THURSDAY! Yet, I still sit here in my bed anxiously awaiting the girls on my floor to just go out already and give me some SPACE. It is almost amusing to watch them get so dolled up for no reason other than the fact that they want to meet boys. However they don't realize that with as much alcohol as these boys intake that they will not remember how "hott" that random girl looked the night before. Even if I didn't have an 8 o'clock class tomorrow morning I still wouldn't want to join this ridiculous outing.

Is this what college life is really like? Quite frankly I do not see the appeal of "going out" every chance I get. "Going out" what does the term really mean? I guess these girls version of "going out" is to spend an outstanding amount of time putting on make up and doing their hair. Then to have a council meeting over with outfit looks best and which shoes to pair with it. After the getting ready is finished they stand in the hall way for about ten minutes discussing last minute touch ups and where they're going. What they do after they leave the building is a complete mystery to me. I can only infur that they go on a hunt to find some party with guys who are willing to give them beer. Once they arrive at this party they drink as much as they can so they can end up making complete fools of themselves. After sever drunken hours and some potential puking they stumble back to somebody's room to pass out on the floor. Does this sound fun to you or what?

I guess I have trouble seeing the enjoyment of this. I would rather have intellectual conversations or enjoy a nice movie. This probably makes me sound rather boring, o well I have fun.