Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Personal Perfection

While some people slumber peacefully this eve of Christmas eve, and dream of sugarplum fairies dancing in their heads (although I guess that's tomorrow night), I sit awake in my personal perfection.
Alex watched her man as I went along with the midnight cleaning of my room, a surprise for my mother come morning. The end of the movie coincidentally coincided with the finishing touches of my tidying and it didn't take us long to decide what to do next.
Now, lying in bed, allowing for the pain in my back to finally subside, I take a breath. It will be okay. Everything will be okay. Lying in bed with Alex, like an old married couple, listening to her read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows out loud to me helps me remember my own advice. Everything in life is only 'For Now.' So even though my normal thrill for the Holiday season has been less than standard I am hopeful for years to come, even the next few days. I am actually looking forward to tomorrow and Christmas, partially because I want to get my Harry Potter computer game, but also because it will be messed up and torturous. That may sound bizarre coming from a girl who is wildly obsessed with Christmas, but surprisingly enough my actual Christmas days are just down right stressful. They would be great if it was possible for a person to be at two places at once, but since we have yet to come up with the technology of a time turner, and I being the child of divorce parents, have to choose between Mom and Dad. And after I finally make up my mind of where I am going I still have to deal with the crazy families from both sides. So back to the point. I am actually excited this year. Not sure why. Maybe it's because I have accepted the fact that Christmas is crazy, and have learned to embrace it instead of fear for chaos. Either way. For the first time in awhile I pumped for Christmas.

P.S. I've realized that this blog reveals my true obsession for Harry Potter. So if you were wondering... Yes, Alex and I read out loud to each other, give it a try sometime. It's really fun.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Freud must have been on to something.

While most people sleep deep and hard each evening in the peaceful bliss of their own mind, there are others, like myself, that cannot grasp the serendipity of dreams. Sleep has become so complicated over the years, and I would like it to just be sleep instead of a frustrating outlet of emotion and stress.
There are the rough nights where sleep seems to never come, and I lay in bed tossing and turning while I wait for my brain to stop running. I appear to have some kind of inability that prohibits me from locating the switch that turns off my mind. And even though those nights have become less frequent, they still visit me from time to time.
Now that I am able to actually fall into some decent rem, I am still tortured by the elaborate dreams I seem to create. Either I wake up completely freaked out because the entire world just melted or I have to swim across some random ice forsaken ocean, or I wake up completely upset because I realize that it all was all a dream.
The dreams that are most haunting are the ones you know will never come true.
If you asked me I would say that Freud was on to something. He believed that dreams were a gateway to the subconscious. Well if that's true, it is very clear what my subconscious wants, or I guess what I want.
Every morning I am struck down by reality and heartache, and I guess that these dreams will not go away until something is done.
So I guess I have to do something about it... but what?

Thursday, December 10, 2009


For the past week or so I have sat down with my computer every night and tried to write a blog, but when I actually try to focus my thoughts into words everything comes out empty. Never have I ever been so frazzled in my life. Never have I ever had a lack of words, or even yet communication. Never have I ever been so frustrated by life. So tonight I am determined to get a blog out for my readers to enjoy, or at least tolerate.

Let me just start by telling you how amazing my evening was. With so much going on I haven't fully been able to enjoy much of anything lately. My normal obsession for the Holiday Season is normally beaming this time of year, but this year my spirit is no more greater than the man sitting in the big chair on the top floor of a company just trying to make sales. And even though I wasn't really put in the Christmas spirit tonight, I was at least having a great time. Tonight was basically a reunion of one of my better nights at OU. I was with my friends, Sean, Hayley, and Ben and we just went to a coffee shop and talked until they closed, and afterwards we came back to my house and watched 500 Days of Summer (really good movie btw). Nothing extraordinary happened and nothing outstanding occurred, but I can't help but love the dynamics the 4 of us share. The others might not appreciate our time together the way I do, but I know I value just sitting and talking with them and hearing what they have to say. Tonight was just so amazingly fun and I love everyone of them so much!

I could complain and be winy about the never ending chaos here, but I think I am going to leave at that. Why ruin a good blog with a bad rant about the current shit in my life. I may be one hundred percent frazzled right now with literally every aspect of my life, but that's not what you need to know. Right?

I will tell you this. Plain and simply.
A. Damn, it feels so good to be home.
B. My life is a mess
C. My plan to live with my dear Alex next year is my saving grace.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

The What If's

When friends come to me with worry, stress and little hope for the near future, my first advice for them is to listen to the song "For Now" from one of my favorite Broadway shows Avenue Q. It reminds us that even though times are tough they certainly can't last forever and that everything in life is only for now. So when my own personal life becomes overwhelmingly complicated and hard to handle I try to take my usual advice and look to the future, but this time the future seems so far away. What was once stable and clear is now as fuzzy and unfocused as a pair of broken binoculars that inhibit me to see the sanity. I can't help but dwell on all the 'what ifs' that brought me to this point of despair, and even more what I can do to make things right.
It's like all the 'what ifs' are yelling at me and now I need to know 'what if...?'
What if HE never came into my life?
What if I never let him go?
What if that hug never broke?
What if I opened the car door and ran after him?
What if I didn't move on?
Who would be there?
What if I he didn't influence me to visit OU?
What if I went to school with my best friend from the get go?
What if I had saved more money?
What if I knew what I was doing?
Where would I be?

So instead of dwelling on the 'what ifs' I am going to move onto the 'what nows?'
Now I need to... well... do a lot of things.
So for starters I will try to find some focus.
Step 1. Figure out college and transferring.
Step 2. Resolve love life
Step 3. Lots and lots of candle lit bubble baths.

Wish me luck everyone!
Hopefully soon I will be on the right track for transfer, stable in or out of a relationship, and thin. Simple. Right?